I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
