Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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