My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
