i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
