At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
