Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
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Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
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I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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