you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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