White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
