Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I believe in your delicious
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Two words: nipple clamps
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