There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
