He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
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3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
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You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
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