I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
