i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
