whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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