We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
