ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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