be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
