I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
