Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
