I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
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She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
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Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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