batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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