I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
