I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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