I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
