i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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