I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
