you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
