I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
