I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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