His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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