so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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