you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
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my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.