Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
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I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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