I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
