I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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