i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
