I am in a vortex of obligation.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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