I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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