FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
