peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
