That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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