i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
