There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
