I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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