Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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