So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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