So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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