cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
