can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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