FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
