I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
