I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
