i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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