and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
