Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
