you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
