Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
